2/2 Lance F. Rockaway brings the Paris Dispatch to Munich.

1/29 Terrence, American Buddhist, reviews Fantasma by Cornelius. Enlightenment ensues.

1/22 In the latest installment of Diary of a 5th Year Senior, Reese Ellroy loves, lives, and reviews the Field Mice.

1/18 Phillippe Coullette rides long and low in his Citroen DS and reviews Blue Yolk.

1/14 New columnist Ezekial McHerny gives his assessment of the 1990's and reviews his underground albums of the month.

(Find out how this sophisticated archive randomizer actually works)

12/13 The legendary Ric Befara reviews the live Spiritualized album.

12/29 Fantastic Plastic Machine reviewed by Phillippe Coullette onboard the G5

7/18 Javier Luna's Classic Cult Cinema column: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

11/19 Boards of Canada reviewed by Ric Befara

Our human resources department is flooded each week with samples of new writing. Occasionally some of it is good enough to do a new writer showdown, where you, dear reader, get to choose who will be our next regular usounds contributor. We have 2 writers  and no second place, so vote wisely.

Writer One: Chaz Bartok>
Chaz has been loosely associated with usounds for a while now, emailing us his favorite 80's metal reviews every so often for our own amusement. At least that's what we thought, until he started asking why we never printed them. So Chaz, here's your shot at the big time, baby. Let her rip cowboy.

Hi I'm Chaz. Chaz Bartok. And yes, that is me in the picture. I know what you're thinking: doesn't that look an awful lot like...Well fuck off. That's me. And I'm even better in real life, ladies. Anyway on to the reviews...

1. Guns 'n' Roses: Appetite For Destruction

A lot of the dudes I grew up with stopped listening to this record. They started getting into pussy shit like the Prodigy and all kinds of electronic noises. I said to one of them: Hey! If you want to listen to electronic shit just plug yr toaster into yr amp you motherfuckers! Pigfuckers. If you want electronics, this album has electronics man. Just check out the flanger on "Rocket Queen." So Fuck you.

2. Judas Priest: Screaming for Vengeance

Man you may look at me and say I'm just a cigarette-burned, cirrhosised, big-haired freak...and you'd be right. I may live in a shitty apartment in South Boston, I may drink and smoke my way through life, I may be a loser, but when I blast these tunes on my trans am stereo, I go wild, man. I'm the king of the goddamned world and I have been since '81. So fuck you.

------------------------

Writer #2: "M"

Hi usounds. I sit all day in  the Vondel Park in Amsterdam, just playing my guitar and singing songs about music I like. Derivative? I hardly think so in today's world. Here are a few choice cuts from my oft-delayed debut album, "An album of songs about songs I like"

1. The Needle and The Damage Done by Neil Young

I've seen the neil young
and the damage done
old scrawny hippie
now you've had your fun
i've seen the neil young
and the damage done
a little sideburns
for everyone

2. Jammin, by Bob Marley

Bob was jammin
that's right baby
and now we be jammin
yeah we be jammin
and I hope you like
jammin too
because bob's songs
make me feel so good
they make me feel like
jammin too
and we all know what
jammin means
as I roll my funky weed

3. California Dreamin' by the Mamas and the Papas

All the leaves are brown
and I like them that way
I don't want to leave
I just want to listen to
a song I like and never get
off my ass
California dreamin'....
all the leaves are brown

---------------------

Writer #3: Dave Cass ISawUfall@aol.com

"Teep Dong"

Teep Dong is a guy I met in Bangkok, circa 1990. He worked for a local tea-house I would frequent called "Wong's Smoke-It-All-Day-Long Bong Shack." At least that's what I called it.

He wanted me to introduce him instead of him doing it himself. Teep knows little English so it
is our job to translate the rougher, and yet, somehow more refined elements of his exotic language. Let's welcome Teep aboard! Send him your emails and help our Asian daisy feel more at home -- among staff and subscribers alike -- here
at USOUNDS!  We love you, Teep. (Just stay away from my ass!) We wrote this review together. I can't remember what album it's for though.

teep dong like album
mom say shit
i think she
shit
album
fuck
rad
bong
bong
bong
album
fuck
rad.
momsayshit
but album fuck rad.

-----------

Well, that's it. Vote now, and vote often. Three of these novices need to feel the sting of rejection. Nay, they deserve it, as they go through trial by fire called trying to make it in the ultra-modern internacional pop journalism business.

So what's your vote?

USOUNDS || 2.10.99

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