12/13 Ric Befara entertains two swinging Swedes and a lusty Russian in this tale of wine, weed, and low-paid customer service employment. He also manages to review the latest spiritualized album... 12/6 Find out which of the top celebrities hate us the most in this shocking expose. 12/1 Lance Rockaway recovers from his European tour in Amsterdam, where he reviews the new Cypress Hill album in time for x-mas. 10/18 "Also, please find me books about droids that don't give off fecal gases." The Corporate Mailbag. 11/24 Did you miss JD Steele's latest sex advice column? 11/19 Ric Befara and Pong Ling with a cult pick album review.
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"When, with lotus-feet set well-apart on the ground, she bends, placing a hand upon each thigh, and you take her from the rear, it is 'Gardabha.'" Steele Love Rumor has it, Steele hasn’t been laid for over a year, and even the details of that alleged incident are sketchy at best. Nonetheless, Steele’s popularity with our readers continues unabated. His encyclopedic knowledge of sex manuals and porno films is unparalleled, and his unique advice has sent many on the road to sexual frustration and extreme self-loathing. In the words of one of his best friends "Ride, Steele, Ride." Hey Steele, My boyfriend is infatuated with his ball sack. He constantly is telling me how lovely his testicles are. Frankly though, Steele, I’ve seen bigger nads on my poodle, Puffy. Here’s the problem: he imposes his testilove on me, turning me off during our lovemaking with his constant requests to stroke, caress, and tongue-shine his nuts. Steele, what the hell is wrong with him and what do I do? --confused in LA Testelover, What’s wrong with him? – what’s wrong with you? A man’s pride in his nuts is perfectly natural. In ancient times the robustness of a man’s "hairy pouch" signified vitality and often times determined his status in society. In ancient Greece it was considered an honor for a young boy to be asked to be an older man’s Sakistruker which roughly translates to "Sack Stroker." The Kama Sutra advises that a good woman will strive to warm and relax a man’s "Taj Ma Balls". The book recommends that this practice last about 20 minutes (I myself prefer 30). Your boyfriend obviously is demanding overcompensation for your lack of tender and considerate maintenance of his balls. I also sense a bit of competition between Puffy and your unnamed boyfriend. This bizarre love triangle has got to stop before it kills the whole relationship. Dear Mr. Steele, I’m a lot like you—I haven’t been laid in a really long time. My friends give me a lot of bullshit advice: "You should go to church, there’s a lot of chicks there." I tried that and I had to listen to some old bastard lecture for an hour. Afterwards, I tried to pick up some chicks but they were all hanging around their parents. Steele, I’m sick of advice, I want answers. Finally, someone gave me one: Sex Robots. Is it true, do such things exist? --name withheld on request Robot-lover, Sadly, the mystical love-droids of which you speak exist only in the minds of sexually dysfunctional robotech fans. The classic film, Cherry 2000, starring Melanie Griffith, probed this topic intelligently except for the end. Was I the only one who would have taken the sexbot instead of Melanie? True love is a relatively common experience, but the Cherry 2000 was coveted by millions and possessed by no one. Eureka. Dear J.D., My husband is worrying me with his latest sexual fantasy. It’s the President-Intern fantasy that all of us wives have been dreading since the scandal broke. Steele, I don’t mind the blue dress, Cuban cigar, or beret, but when I’m performing oral sex on him he calls up "senators" who are really just his golfing buddies, well then I get mad. I feel like I’m the pawn in his evil games and I want it to stop. How can I let him know that the whole thing is ridiculous? Monica wannabe,There is only one obvious solution to your problem. First, compile a lengthy report detailing all the sexual experiences you and your husband have engaged in since he started the intern thing. Then post it on the internet and send the URL to all his "senator" buddies. If that doesn't work, go door-to-door with the report and give it to your neighbors. Dear Steele, I have been married to the same man for 20 years, and I was a virgin when we married. But now something strange has happened. Last week my husband told me that he was going to "ride me like a little pony." Steele, I have no idea what he could be talking about! Is this dangerous or illegal? Pony-Princess,Far from being dangerous or illegal, the horse position is one of my personal favorites. It is rarely used in pornographic film, which is a shame and needs to be rectified immediately. Anyway, the horse first appeared in the Kama Sutra, which calls it the donkey. My advice to you is to embrace your husband's new-found interest in your sexuality with all four legs. Throw back your mane and snort like a charging thoroughbred. Bare your giant teeth and paw the ground. He will love it! If you like, film it and send it to here to Steele's Amateur Videos, c/o usounds magazine. USOUNDS | 11.24.98 Send all letters for JD Steele to: askJD@usounds.com |
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