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12/13 Ric Befara entertains two swinging Swedes and a lusty Russian in this tale of wine, weed, and low-paid customer service employment. He also manages to review the latest spiritualized album...

12/6 Find out which of the top celebrities hate us the most in this shocking expose.

12/1 Lance Rockaway recovers from his European tour in Amsterdam, where he reviews the new Cypress Hill album in time for x-mas.

10/18 "Also, please find me books about droids that don't give off fecal gases." The Corporate Mailbag.

11/24 Did you miss JD Steele's latest sex advice column?

11/19 Ric Befara and Pong Ling with a cult pick album review.

10/25 DJ Snax tells you what's up in the world of hip hop with Lauryn Hill, Goodie Mob, and Black eyed Peas.

10/2 TJ Gamble's Punk Rock fiesta. Short, fast, and out of control.

the Usounds archives are on the way. Complete list of reviews and more. In the meantime check out the picks of the super fresh archive randomizer above.

The Viagra Revolution
by Dr. Javier Luna

After my run-in with the law I was sentenced to community service. I nearly went crazy. Helping the unfortunate just for smoking a little weed? What was this country coming to? My parents didn't swim through sewer drains to get
here just so I could go help a bunch of poor people did they? And besides, I was probably poorer than they were. They ought to be helping me... Community service is charity work and yet the government uses it as slave labor. I told the judge as much but he just doubled it. 100 hours of community service.

They brought me to this Orwellian community service center and made me go through all these tests to make sure I wasn't a molester or anything. A leering fat man brought me a giant list of "charity" work that I could do. I scanned and scanned the list over and over, trying to decipher things like "Vehicular Waste Removal" and "Human Waste Containment Team." Everything in the community seemed to have to to with garbage or shit. Finally my eyes lit
upon something: "Gilded Walnut Early Retirement House Dance Instruction."

What a bunch of suckers-- teaching old people to dance or cleaning public toilets...hmm. The only catch was that you had to be a dance instructor. Not a problem. My father, before he left my mother, was an excellent dancer. After that he didn't dance all that well, because my mother's brother broke his legs with a sledge hammer.

The Gilded Walnut was a piece of shit. I'm not just saying that to make it sound worse than it was. It was the kind of place where all the old people were either doped-up or terrified. Many were both. It seemed that some of them wanted to learn to dance because another old house down the road had an instructor. The place being a piece of shit, signed up for a "mandatory volunteer" (a criminal like me) so they wouldn't have to put any money into
the thing. Anyway let's cut to the chase. I was "instructing" the old people about the tango, which I really didn't know all that well. I saw that movie where a blind Serpico screams WhooAhhh, and that was about it. After a while I realized something-- these old people didn't have a clue about it either. In fact, they weren't even old. Well they were, but they weren't. Most of them were born in years like 1938 and just had lazy kids who couldn't deal with a pants wetting episodes. They were young old people and it freaked me out.

They were all ladies and they spent the whole time talking about my dick. They called it that, too. No euphemisms, just straight up porno talk. No "organ" but dick and cock. "mm he's a little latin lover isn't he?" one geezer would say to another. "You know they say the latins have great cocks, even when they're not so big." the other would say. They spent the whole time talking about female viagra
and how drugs were starting a revolution-- a revolution led by the senile. It kind of freaked me out.
The final blow came during hour 23, when one of them grabbed my balls and said "not too much going on down there, ladies" Well there wasn't supposed to be anything going on, was there? Had our nation's old people suddenly gone sex-crazy? Old people were a lot of things but horny wasn't one of them.

That's when I figured it out. That's when I realized that the world really was changing, and that it was my mission to explain it to the world. The world's getting older, and today's "senior citizens" were like 30 when the sexual revolution happened. They may not have been in an orgy during Woodstock, but at least they heard about it and were probably jealous. They know about sex and they're not afraid to want it.

They're not afraid to talk about it either. Most of all they're not afraid to do it, which I found out during hours 45 and 46. Some of those older women really know how it's done. Now I work at the center full time, "instructing" as many ladies as I can.

The way I see it, it's an extension of my community service. These broads need a younger man, even with the viagra the old fools down the hall are only good for it maybe once a week. And besides, I've developed a taste for it. Sometimes an old soul can be much sexier than a young, naive one-- plus I can't really get laid anywhere else this consistently.

I predict big changes coming. In a few years, everyone living on American soil will have been active participants in or will have benefited from the sexual revolution. No more Henry "Hydeslapper" Hydes, nor more "Lauch" Faircloth, no more old people from the 10s and 20s having their little peep shows into the bad people's world. Soon the boomers will be horny and under-sexed, pumped full of Viagra 2000 and ready for some hardcore action. Not that there won't still be some anal, moral fuckers, but those people will be in the minority in the ever-growing Senior population. They will be the reactionaries, not the leaders.

The new revolution will undoubtedly be dubbed the Viagra revolution, ignoring the fact that Viagra is an outcome, not a beginning. Older men really wanted Viagra, older women wanted it even more-- the drug companies were only too happy to oblige. Yes, changes are coming-- you ought
to get ready the way I have. And the more-distant future seems even better...Imagine Madonna as the spokeswoman of the "new, sexier AARP." I can hardly wait.

USOUNDS || 12.17.98

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