Count Baron von Duke (as told to Editor-at-Large Hadley Tomicki)
Twice the Pain Twice the Pleasure
Hello, yet again, my good friends. ‘Tis I, your randy commentator of cacophony, hoping you can hear me over this delectable din. There are few rackets as glorious as the sound of seven ecstasy-fueled nineteen year-old models having a pillow fight and I’m afraid I cannot tear myself from the center of it for even a moment to carouse with you, my trusted intimates.
What brings these sassy little sollops forth, asks you? In addition to my dashing good looks, carefully placed beauty mark, manicured wig and chateau brimming with strange and potentially hazardous adult toys, we are staging a, dare I say, listening orgy for the newest disc from one-man funk-dance-riot LCD Soundsystem. My young and buxom little darlings cannot resist shaking their ripe and supple tushies to the swirling electronic funk contained within. And mirroring my taste for both spankings and cocaine, it’s a double order from James Murphy, DFA producer of hits for Primal Scream and The Rapture. “Daft Punk is Playing at my House,” is the first track making our hearts flutter harder than the amyl nitrate at Plato’s Retreat. By now, you all are acquainted with my love of all that is down right debaucherous and decadent. This track prods and tickles me with its throbbing buzz of a bass line, its dirty guitar riff and Murphy’s tempting lures to “show you the ropes, kid.” Mmmmn, how sinful!
Murphy is a master of electronic instrumentation, adding a shrieking violin-like sample here or a cowbell there, to compliment his steady club beats, hard rock and slowly increasing tempos. I’d like to see his hands master my torture machine. His voice goes from impassioned John Spencer-like howling to cold and domineering speech-singing from track to track, while always keeping one guessing as to the shifting soundscapes to come. Similar to the mescaline-drenched summer spent at my country castle, the disc is trippy with sounds you can feel from your follicles down to your cardiac sphincter. “Tribulations,” and who hasn’t experienced their dose of those, reminds us, “Everybody makes mistakes, but it seems it’s mine that keep on sticking,” over a beehive buzz that Dead Prez would envy, before an electric guitar enters the fray to kick out the proverbial “jams.”
Excuse me just a second. Tiffany, do watch where you place that feather duster, you ill-disciplined minx! The familiar ring of hiney-slaps begins “Movement” while Murphy speak-sings an urgent plea, leading to punk euphoria. What an eclectic, crazy mess. I feel dirty and I don’t wish to be hosed down just yet!! Despite the delightfully mixed-up ways that inundate Murphy’s efforts like so many young men these days, his McCartney-esque song-writing abilities shine through on harmonious tracks like “Never As Tired As When I’m Waking Up” and “Release”. I must say, “Disco Infiltrator” and “Thrills” did not let down on the arousal their titles create deep in my cockles. The latter sounds exactly like a night spent with my cattle prod and rolodex of hairless Asian boys, electric shocks and yelps ringing in my ears for days afterward.
LCD makes me feel I’m living in that horrid little Disney spectacle, Tron, all blips, boops and beeps keeping me titillated and on the edge of my human chair. I just love it! Finally, after whipping us into an incredible frenzy does LCD Soundsystem free us into the abyss of sensuality with the gorgeous final track “Great Release.” And did I ever have a great release! The second disc compiles six of Murphy’s previous singles such as the hilarious “Losing my Edge,” with both a “crass” and “pretentious” version of the excellent “Yeah.” What a filthy time we’ve shared over the long-play of this magnificent album.
As my now gorgeously bruised companions and I head to the dungeon to truly “turn this mutha out,” I look forward to the next time I can infiltrate a disco so disturbingly enjoyable! Next time, I do hope James will bring his sinful companion Nancy Whang along for the ride. I always love a good whang in my ear after all. Toodles my pets. Be good, but not too good! Remember, I’m watching…I like to watch.
Count Baron von Duke lives in Fort Lee, New Jersey, with his parents, Duchess Baron von Duke and Sir Lord Baron von Duke